Of All Things


My last post was all about how the slogan “Say No To Suicide” is slightly ridiculous as it’s not as if all the kids are doing it, ie “Say No To Drugs”.

Then I watched the local news.  A 17 year old girl has been indicted for involuntary manslaughter for encouraging her 18 year old boyfriend to kill himself.  Which he did.  And so evidently there ARE dealers on the corner.

The first one’s free.

What kind of person does that? Despite the constant social morphing, do not RIGHT and WRONG remain firmly planted in their rightful, albeit judgmental, places?  To look at this little cheerleader girl you would never think her a sociopath but isn’t that the trait by definition?  Sociopaths are stealth, dangerous creatures.  I’ve had the odd fortune of interacting with one or two in my life and they experienced my suicidal thinking.  Despite the mind-fucking and emotional tormenting they never encouraged me to go through with suicide.  This is why I am once again concerned with the direction of young minds.  Violent misogynistic sex and suicide in this millenium are what 3rd base and huffing glue were to the 80’s

Family Guy:  Peter is working the suicide hotline.  Man on the phone wants to kill himself because his wife has been cheating. 

Peter:  Wouldn’t it make more sense to kill her?

Even Seth MacFarlane knows better than to encourage someone to end their life.


Pic:  Pinterest.  Cool.


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Filed under Personal, The Abstract, Tragedy

Say What?

a42c700fbda8904630ca977292c249c1I was walking down the street the other day and saw a bumper sticker that read:


Ok, the sentiment is there and it likely that the car’s owner had lost someone to a suicide.  I understand that.  I looked at my arms for the first time in months.  I forgot I had these horrible scars.  Another blessing.  But that’s not where I want to go here.

“Say no to suicide” is lazy and simply using the “Say no to drugs” formula but there is no peer pressure in suicide.  There are no dealers on the corner trying to get you to kill yourself.  The kids in school aren’t “all doing it”.  I said NO to suicide like 5 times and it said YES back to me. 

Maybe “We can prevent suicide” would be a better bumper sticker.

Suicide is a lonely business. If you are telling a suicidal person to SAY NO you are showing concern without having to get your hands dirty.  If someone is struggling, get involved.  If someone has a history of suicide, don’t put a bumper sticker on your car.  Stay close to that person.

In 2012 I took an overdose that I had hoped would kill me.  I spent 2 weeks packing up my house, writing letters, labelling things.  Of course, I survived.  I told my therapist my family would be very involved with me but stop after 30 days and that is exactly what happened.  It is a burden for a family to deal with a suicidal relative.  But slapping a  bumper sticker on your car with the instruction to “SAY NO” just feels like bullshit to me.

I might be impartial.

Photo: found it on Pinterest. I liked it.

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Filed under Personal

Mississippi Mass Choir

I can’t listen to this without getting overwhelmed!

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Filed under The Abstract

two months later

untitledI’ve been very busy these last two months. 

I discovered Dill Pickle potato chips.  I’ve devoted much of my time to the phenomena:  you think you are eating Salt & Vinegar chips but at the last minute BANG…it’s dill pickle. Fascinating.

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Filed under Acerbic 2013, The Abstract

Happy New Year

My family never lets me down.  I can always count on at least one of them to shit on me when I need it least.

God bless you all.  May we all have courage in the coming year.


Filed under Personal

Depression – Meet Christmas

I wonder if there will ever be a Christmas where I am not depressed.  There is some sort of selfish comfort in knowing millions of other people are in the same space because YES VIRGINIA!  misery loves company.


There were years where Christmas would come and I would feel so lonely, so neglected, so reminded by circumstances that I was not good enough,  that the idea of suicide would wrap around me like a black leather glove.   You know something evil gripping the shift in a bullshit action movie. Couldn’t even catch a break in a depression metaphor.  My lifetime game plan was: cry, beg people to love me, make a fool of myself, get totally fucked up and if all those things fail, kill myself.  Who has suicide on their laundry list?  I’ll tell you who:


There are millions of people out there who feel they have nothing to live for and might act on it within the next week.  Jesus, please give me the strength to pray for them as opposed to cry for myself.  My life isn’t what I want it to be but my laundry list is one shorter than it ever was and I feel blessed about that. Not always.  I forget about Jesus all the time. I am still a lonely person.  I still haven’t felt love the way I want to feel it.  I still fear that I never will.  But I can live with it and I have hope.  I have hope.

Depression at Christmas is as inevitable as the cranberry sauce, I mean it’s just THERE even for people with no outward signs of depression.  Relatively happy people get depressed at this time.  And I don’t know why because shouldn’t this be a joyous time? 

It was at this time 2000 plus years ago that a miracle happened and the world would never be the same whether by the belief in it or the debate about it, but the Son of God arrived and I can’t help but think the world reacted in some organic way to such an event.  Maybe time stood still for 2 seconds.  Or shifted on its axis.   Maybe the world smelled like cashews for 4 seconds I DON”T KNOW but I do believe something happened that far exceeds the standard story of the Birth of Christ.

If otherwise stable people can become unstable on the anniversary of Christ’s arrival you could almost say that the joy has been sucked out of this miracle by lack of faith.  Something has gone wrong. 

As for me: I will not fall apart.  I will hold fast to my faith.  I may get depressed and I may feel sick but I will not lose myself.  At the very least will try with all that I am.

God give me the selflessness to follow your Son and pray for others rather than obsess about myself.

Pass the cranberry sauce.. 


Filed under Mental Illness


de6c2975352d79e5dd16b7f46c23bfe6Not every day is beautiful.  Some days, some weeks even are peppered with sorrow or are crushed in the grip of mental illness.  If I didn’t have Jesus,  these things would be dead ends and not detours.

I am blessed.


Filed under Mental Illness, The Abstract