I have sacrificed too much to feel loved and I am not saying that I did it to BE loved because the truth is….I wasn’t. I just made myself think I was feeling something that didn’t exist. I believed it because I needed it so badly. I have been a lonely girl. I am witty and funny, attractive (unstable?), talented , intelligent, lonely, and appear confident. I am also submissive to men and believe what I am told very easily. When a man gives me attention I think it is because he has strong feelings for me and maybe we will fall in love but it is usually just that he has read me for the type who won’t make trouble and can move on when he is done. For all my intelligence I need a helmet around men.
I have wanted to be loved so much that I have settled for things I am too embarrassed to write about. I once wrote about them on a blog without a filter but it was only a gesture, an effort to get one man’s attention back. Now that we pay no attention to each other at all, there is no need to write the details. I know them. I know what I did. I know what my sins were. I am ashamed of how I crawled for crumbs of his attention. I compromised my sexuality to satisfy his. I did this with a few men. Oh, I would make adjustments to please men even before I knew if I should- before there was any proof they were going to invest enough to see that I AM accommodating. I have been pathetic. I have been alone for years and am now so divided from my own sexuality that I can’t find it anymore.
Sometimes I wonder what will become of me.
Tonight I had a wonderful long conversation with a man who was my last “real” (not internet and phone), but REAL boyfriend. That word doesn’t quite work here but it will have to do. He always cared for me. Sex was kinky and fun. I enjoyed waiting on him, cooking, looking pretty for him. I think I loved him. I remember there being interference from someone else, someone wrong who reached into that relationship to break it, to make me think he was the one I belonged with. Once I left “the last real boyfriend”, that man stopped talking to me. I was humiliated. I am always humiliated. I have been ashamed. I have made a fool of myself in my desperate need to be romantically loved.
I have reconciled so many things since my suicide attempt. I have found the Lord. I have found patience with my family and with myself though that is in its infancy. I have my bipolar under control. But I don’t know what I am supposed to do about love. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. I was fooled a couple of times. Horribly fooled. I have a little box with a few cards from someone who, in the beginning, paid me much attention though the relationship was full of secrets. His. Because while I was in love, crumbs and all, he married someone. And I never knew. Two women at the same time: I was the girl you cheat with. She was the girl you marry. My confidence has never come back.
I once had affairs with married men. I have accepted once a week “dates” that never left my living room and lasted one hour and a cigarette. I have known how to make a fool of myself with men but not how to make them fall in love with me. You know, I sometimes feel shame in front of my father. I don’t know why. I think he knows maybe what a pathetic girl I have been with men. Men can read that stuff, even fathers.
I tried to end my life over a man once.
I think I have been hurt too much and have been embarrassed too frequently to fall in love now. I don’t think men will love me. They will want me maybe. But they won’t love me. This is no longer maudlin thinking, the kind of self-pity we indulge in at the end of a disaster with a man. I think I am just protecting myself now from the thing I want most. I have only proof that it will go badly for me.
Sometimes your hand isn’t good enough even for a bluff. You just have to get up and leave the table,
There will be something else for me. I just know it. Something that will make be forget how much I groveled, how pathetic, how fooled I was. How ashamed I still am. Something will come. God has given me so much. There will be something. I just know it.