pAroNoiA

61d81ba9c3d2ad30d05423ce83e92f09 Because I am bipolar, I sometimes misread situations with people.  Things come out of my mouth that I don’t even believe.  It’s not easy to live with that.  It’s not constant and I do have medication for when I see it begin to happen but there are situations where “oh, sorry, I was just going through a little phase where I misread people and situations because I have a little paranoia” doesn’t do it.  I’ve lost friends over it.  I’ve lost what I considered an intimate, albeit unconventional, connection with some guy over it.  My family has to tolerate it but I always ask “am I being paranoid?” and they say yes.  If I am having a little mood swing where I talk loud and interrupt people I will ask and they will say yes. Someone very close said that mental illness is all concocted and Jesus is the answer.  She said mental illness comes from the “other side”, Satan,  and Jesus will always win that battle. She doesn’t know what it’s like to not trust your own mind,  I believe Jesus will heal me of many things such as the urge to kill myself.  But I am not going to stop taking my medication to see if He can make me well mentally. This is a very personal post.

I’d like some pills and Jesus please.

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Filed under Mental Illness, Personal, the Truth and the Life, The Way

the scene of the crime

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Words are failing me lately.  Too much going on to focus on my intent with this blog.  And so I have returned to the scene of the crime:

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I have had about 5 blogs of varying themes – some I could never speak of here – since 2010.  Sometimes, I just like collecting odd photos and posting them so that there is some crooked aesthetic to them.  From mannequins to sex to Kate Bush to Ellen Von Unwerth to  punk rock to Miles Aldridge.  I post, I say nothing.

I’ll be back in a week when that bores me.

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every single moment

 

This video has always had an impact on me and not because it was one of the greatest songs ever sung by possibly the greatest R&B singer who ever lived….but because they would all be dead in less than 24 hours.

Otis Reading, four of the Bar-Kays (playing back up) and 6 others died December 10, 1967 on the way to a gig after playing THIS gig on December 9th.  Watching this video has some sort of weightless, timeless effect on me, like I am unsure of where I am: 2014 or 1967.   It’s as if I want to say “Otis!  Don’t get on that plane tomorrow afternoon!  You’re all going to die!”.  They had no idea that this would be the last time they would play, that their last moments were only hours away.

There is a lonely sadness to this video – the kind  that washes up on the beach at an hour when everyone is asleep.  Otis sang this song December 9, 1967 full on, emotional, sincere…then his light went out in less than a day.   We have the gift of this video.  And the burden of watching it.

Oh, every single moment carries a story.  This story carries fragile humanity and the weight of it.  It is absolute but is not mandatory.

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” – Jesus Christ, Book of Matthew Chapter 11

We don’t have to hold on to the weight of our humanness, our anger, our sadness, our worries.  We can change our story, our moments, our lives.  For us there is time.  There is still time.

Otis Reading was only 26 when he died. 

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i am blessed

bdayWow am I blessed.  I was so afraid of this birthday but it has turned into something I will forever treasure.  I had such a great dinner with my best friends the Dussaults and their AWESOME kids(one who is secretly millionaire Bruce Wayne).  My Dad and step mom came.  So many laughs and my heart was so full.  I can’t explain it in words. Thank you Jesus for showing me once again that my anticipation is pointless – it is all Your decision.  And the cards!?  Beautiful.  Emails from people I did not think even cared or remembered.  My heart is full.

I will be 50 years old tomorrow. I did not want anyone to know.  But this has been such a beautiful experience that I want to tell everyone. Age is not to be feared.  There is so much beauty and love in the world. Even if you feel no one loves you and your life is not worth living trust me: IT IS!  Just you wait.  It will come to you. And if it is taking too long, write to me and we can talk about it.

This is the best birthday I have ever had.  Thank you God.

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Cake and Ice Cream

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Oh time.  You move so fast and the things we think we will accumulate are at your mercy, really.

This is a birthday I do not want to have.  It’s a milestone.  The kind of birthday for which your boyfriend or husband would plan a great party or even a small one.  I imagined when I recovered from my suicide that within the year I would grow spiritually, meet people who are living the way I am, make some new friends and maybe – MAYBE – have a boyfriend.  I am 2 for 4.

My family is so broken that they will not even try to pull together to celebrate a birthday that is not only a fucking horrible milestone but more importantly one that I almost did not live to see.

I know the day will pass with phone calls and texts.  I will feel unloved. I will spend time sitting in my church so that Jesus will release me from such selfishness.  And He will.  But I won’t. 

I just thought things were going to be different.  I forget that I have mental illness.  I forget that I auto-immune illnesses that weaken my body and therefore weaken my mind.  I am holding onto my spirituality like a child with a “blankey”.  I am not 100% and I may never be.

I just thought my life would be different by now.

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“Remember Me”

THE BIBLE tv series

He doesn’t ask for much in return for the endless gifts and infinite love he offers.  I mean he knew Judas had set him up, he knew he was going to suffer a horrible death beginning that night but he sat with his friends – Judas included – and told them how to remember him when he is gone, how to pray him, that He will never leave truly them but rather send One who will fill them with the power of love and knowledge that God is eternal.  He forgives us our sins and we only have to forgive others to have that forgiveness.

Yeah I chose to follow this guy.   If he could love and forgive Judas, there is no reason he can’t love and forgive any of us.  We only have to ask.  Many of you don’t believe this, any of it and it’s ok.  God bless you all.

 

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Filed under The Way, the Truth and the Life

There Will Be Something

I have sacrificed too much to feel loved and I am not saying that I did it to BE loved because the truth is….I wasn’t.  I just made myself think I was feeling something that didn’t exist.  I  believed it because I needed it so badly.  I have been a lonely girl.  I am witty and funny, attractive (unstable?), talented , intelligent, lonely, and appear confident.  I am also submissive to men and believe what I am told very easily.  When a man gives me attention I think it is because he has strong feelings for me and maybe we will fall in love but it is usually just that he has read me for the type who won’t make trouble and can move on when he is done.  For all my intelligence I need a helmet around men.  large (14)

I have wanted to be loved so much that I have settled for things I am too embarrassed to write about.  I once wrote about them on a blog without a filter but it was only a gesture, an effort to get one man’s attention back.  Now that we pay no attention to each other at all, there is no need to write the details.  I know them.  I know what I did.  I know what my sins were.  I am ashamed of how I crawled for crumbs of his attention.  I compromised my sexuality to satisfy his.  I did this with a few men.  Oh,  I would make adjustments to please men even before I knew if I should- before there was any proof they were going to invest enough to see that I AM accommodating.   I have been pathetic.  I have been alone for years and am now so divided from my own sexuality that I can’t find it anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what will become of me.

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Tonight I had a wonderful long conversation with a man who was my last “real” (not internet and phone), but REAL boyfriend.  That word doesn’t quite work here but it will have to do.  He always cared for me.  Sex was kinky and fun.  I enjoyed waiting on him, cooking, looking pretty for him.  I think I loved him.  I remember there being interference from someone else, someone wrong who reached into that relationship to break it, to make me think he was the one I belonged with.  Once I left “the last real boyfriend”, that man stopped talking to me.  I was humiliated.  I am always humiliated.  I have been ashamed.  I have made a fool of myself in my desperate need to be romantically loved.

I have reconciled so many things since my suicide attempt.  I have found the Lord.  I have found patience with my family and with myself though that is in its infancy.  I have my bipolar under control.  But I don’t know what I am supposed to do about love.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.  I was fooled a couple of times.  Horribly fooled.  I have a little box with a few cards from someone who, in the beginning, paid me much attention though the relationship was full of secrets. His. Because while I was in love, crumbs and all, he married someone.  And I never knew.   Two women at the same time:  I was the girl you cheat with.  She was the girl you marry.  My confidence has never come back. 

I once had affairs with married men.  I have accepted once a week “dates” that never left my living room and lasted one hour and a cigarette.  I have known how to make a fool of myself with men but not how to make them fall in love with me.  You know,  I sometimes feel shame in front of my father.  I don’t know why.  I think he knows maybe what a pathetic girl I have been with men.  Men can read that stuff, even fathers.

I tried to end my life over a man once.

I think I have been hurt too much and have been embarrassed too frequently to fall in love now.  I don’t think men will love me.  They will want me maybe.  But they won’t love me.  This is no longer maudlin thinking, the kind of self-pity we indulge in at the end of a disaster with a man.  I think I am just protecting myself now from the thing I want most.  I have only proof that it will go badly for me.

Sometimes your hand isn’t good enough even for a bluff.   You just have to get up and leave the table,

There will be something else for me.  I just know it.  Something that will make be forget how much I groveled, how pathetic, how fooled I was.  How ashamed I still am.  Something will come.  God has given me so much.  There will be something.  I just know it. 

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Filed under Mental Illness, Personal